Today, I find myself someplace I have never been before.

Today, I find myself someplace I have never been before. I am the mother of two adult children. For some reason, I sort of figured parenting would be a whole lot easier at this stage of life. I�m not a worrier or a fretter. At least I didn�t think I was until I got to this phase. Many nights sleep is lost. I can�t seem to shut my brain down. It wanders around, collecting more thoughts than I can handle. An upset stomach is all I get for my aimless �what if� wandering, all those horrible life scenarios that my kids could wind up in�if. What it basically amounts to is not trusting God�again.

When my children were in the phase referred to as �the terrible twos�, I had a blast with them! Two year olds are the funniest people on the planet. They also don�t yet, know, that you are not all wise and powerful. Nor have they had years of exposure to all your mistakes, and foibles. You are the one, with the limitless hugs, the holding lap, the bobo fixer and kisser. You crack up at all their silly little jokes no matter how often they tell them. They know and believe you love them. You are �Mommy�!

Today my children are 20 and 18 and I am no longer Mommy, I�m Mom to one and Ma to the other. They�ve seen me mess up so often (sometimes at their expense) that they are convinced I need serious therapy. or I�m just crazy. The jury is still out on that one. My hugs are still given and received. My lap is still available for holding. I don�t laugh at all their jokes anymore, because I don�t get them. It takes so long for them to explain their joke that they�ve long since stopped telling them. I think they still know and believe I love them�at least I hope so. More important than that or anything else, I hope that my children know and believe that God loves them.

Anyway, today, I�m being refined by The Refiner�s Fire. He is teaching me, ever so painfully that I must let go; I must stop clinging and that other c word, controlling. I must step back and let Him lead. Over and over, Father is gently -sometimes not so gently- reminding me of the obvious. There is a God� and it aint me! The other words He lovingly, repeatedly speaks to me are, �Step aside my beloved one. Let me be the one who draws them and woos them. After all honey, it aint about you, now is it?

Stephanie P.