Over the years I've had many conversations with brothers and sisters in Christ who have felt compelled to and thus chose to leave a church they had called home for some time. In most cases, the decisions were not made lightly and came only after much pondering, prayer and waiting on God.
No matter how they left each has expressed a sense of loss and sometimes unexpected grieving, after the fact. I know well how they feel. It's very difficult to leave a place (any place) that has been an integral part of your life. For me, the leaving came after 7 tumultuous years - years replete, with doctrinal teaching, pastoral care, fellowship, and lots of learning. And at the same time those years were very stretching (sometimes confusing) and there were many moments of crying out for insight, understanding, and wisdom. In addition, there were moments of tremendous joy. And to the extent that it is possible, moments of intense suffering and sorrow were shared. We broke bread together in the Lord's house, shared meals, laughter, compassion and care of one another, and even worked through numerous moments of conflict.
On the surface of it all, there would be no reason to leave...and yet my heart was troubled, very troubled. Try as I might (and Lord knows I struggled) I rarely had peace. I set about doing, doing, doing and even tried to be a particular way. But my heart ached for more! My soul was often restless and my spirit, oh how my spirit wanted to break free! And yet, and yet -it could not. So much had become too "academic" and though there was much talk about spirituality, joy and freedom...it simply was not.
It is a tremendously draining thing to be in the sanctuary week after week and have to suppress emotion because...it isn't appropriate to "let loose". I'd ask, "Why God did you give this to me here and now?" "How can I be a good Christian and really have this problem with my church?" God had cared for me and my family for seven years through the care, kindness and generosity of his people. He had used us in the lives of many as we served with, for and alongside each other.
Still, over and over I wanted to run and over and over, the Lord gave me pause. He comforted me in those moments and said, "Wait." So I waited and waited and waited...and then it was time to go.
I left bearing no grudges and I left with no ability to answer any "why" question which could be asked of me...at least none which, I believe would satisfy. My husband led and I followed. And from a place of peace I feel simultaneously good and sad. Good because my cup is being filled and sad because I miss people and aspects of what was home for me and my family for seven years. I guess you could say I selfishly want it all.
So dear ones, why have I shared all of this with you? Well, in part because the Lord led me to. Also, I share it because I know of many more who struggle deeply in silence and my encouragement to you is, seek and wait; seek and wait. Do your best to resolve any conflicts. Wrestle through all that the Lord places before you. Seek to do no harm. Do your best guard your speech as it relates to your struggles and allow the Holy Spirit to convict your heart and the hearts of others, if necessary. Let Him lead and guide you into what is good and right for you to do and then do it! If He leads you to speak -speak. If pray -pray. As much as possible continue to be there -active and alive. Whatever it is do it! Through it all you are seeking and waiting; seeking and waiting. Then from a position of peace and surety obey what the Lord says knowing that He will be with you whether you go or whether you stay.
"Hear my cry, O God; Attend to my prayer. From the end of the earth I will cry to You. When my heart is overwhelmed' lead me to the rock that is higher than I." ~~ Psalms 61:1-2Ï€
Stephanie
Ï€Biblegateway.com September 27, 2007
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